Henry on Why Dogs are a Bargain
Dogs permit a delusion of affability
I've been pondering the appeal of dogs, I mean apart from looks and charm.
Granted some dogs perform activities humans deem “work”: lead the blind, sniff for drugs, haul sleds, fetch shot birds, race for bettors, entertain the moribund, raise money for Yale; but their numbers are hardly enough to form a union, even if they could get their act together. Of the hundred or so million of us in today’s America, ninety per cent are rated "family members," which is either heart-warming or gag-inducing, depending on your viewpoint. I’d characterize Jane and Carll as my coterie, confreres, congregation even, but not family. We do not share bloodlines.
Dogs must provide advantages beyond the practical, because Heaven knows we're not cheap. Estimates for dog care range from two thousand annually per pooch to ten thousand. That's if you're healthy. If you're sick, all bets are off. Some folks take second mortgages to give Bowzer an extra lap. That's whacky. Dying is something we do -- and want to -- when it's time. At least we don't have to travel to Switzerland to off ourselves.
I’m guessing I'm a high-end dog with all the beauty parlor and vet visits, overnights with our neighbor and pricey treats. My preferred treat, I'm pretty sure, is WAY overpriced -- some air-dried chicken bits for ten bucks a bag -- but Carll says it’s his pleasure. Is it up to me to economize?
Whether you cost two K or ten, for most folks that's not chicken feed, so what makes us worth it? I started a list. (Humans are addicted to lists.)
· Sociability: Most humans are toads at a party, can’t think what to say next, so they get the idea nobody likes them. That may be true but who knows if they’ve no conversation? Dogs permit a delusion of affability. We really are glad to greet them, because they feed us. Yipping and tail-wagging come naturally, no sweat off our backs (if we sweated).
· Physicality. Humans enjoy touching and being touched but, man, are they uptight about it. Is a hug harassment, a pat pederasty, etc. The song says “a kiss is just a kiss,” but when is that ever true? A kiss is an implicit promise, get your wallet ready if you don’t mean it. Canines welcome canoodling – this dog anyhow – I generalize from the particular.
· Occupation. Many humans believe – hold onto your hats – if they’re not doing something they’re garbage, useless, put a fork in them they’re done. This dismal apprehension keeps shrinks busy and, consequently, purses light. Dogs make their proprietors feel necessary. Who else will feed us, walk us, pick up our poop? At two to ten K per annum we’re a bargain compared to shrinks.
· Truth. Carll tells me we live in a lying age. Can’t believe a word anyone says, businesses, politicians, preachers, they’re all peddling something, makes you sick. Dogs don’t know from lying. Of all human inventions, lying may be the stupidest. Canine candor cleanses the conscience, sighs Carll, who’s prone to florid alliteration.
· Love. Here’s another human anomaly – monogamy – till death do us part – you’re my one and only – less noxious than lying but still weird. We dogs sniff all sphincters, no worries. Carll tells me love is the flipside of morbid insecurity, whatever that means. Has he told you how he got Jane to marry him?
In light of the blessings we bestow, dogs would be cheap at twice the price, but fear not, I’m not plumping for a raise. We dogs don’t want more than we need – which is very inhuman of us.